Sunday, April 1, 2012

In Defense of Justin Bieber: An Open Letter to Non-Beliebers Everywhere

Chivalry aint's just knowing when to flip off the
motherfuckers trynna take pictures of your girlfriend
For anyone who knows me, or was facebook friends with me when his Otis rap hit the net, or made the unfortunate decision to ever follow me on twitter, it should come as no surprise: I think Justin Bieber is the shit. With the recent media blitz that accompanied his latest release, this became painstakingly apparent to anyone within a 200 follower radius of @beateasy. I've been on a twitter frenzy, posting every teaser, preview and hacked JB tweet I could find, eventually leading me to his personal twitter account (seriously, check out JB's unfiltered thoughts...they're the best) but also leading one of my best friends to inevitably ask me the question:

"Why do you love Justin Bieber so much?"

Just for context, let's call this the equivalent of someone asking Mitt Romney why he loves Obama-bashing so much...or asking Snooki why she loves "Gym-Tanning-Laundry" so much. The simple answer would be that it's a lifestyle. I'll be the first to admit that 'Boyfriend' wasn't even the best music to come out on March 26, but being a Belieber is about more than that. Making that fateful typo is about refusing to let society brush off my full-blown affection for stuff like the Biebs, Carly Rae and Gaga as mere "guilty pleasures" and allows me to look past the BS to appreciate it all for the brilliantly constructed art that it really is. The fact of the matter is that these are going to be the classics in 10 years, so you can either tell your kids you were listening to it before it was cool, or tell them that you were commenting on YouTube calling a 17 year-old kid a faggot. Your choice.
"I would know he's gay because I
get with so many hot babes"

Now, my buddy left the room before I could fully answer his question, but it got me thinking; why do I love Justin Bieber so much? I'm obviously pretty fired up about the subject, and maybe it might just be that as an aspiring popular musician myself, I really like the story of a Canadian boy's rapid ascent to fame catalyzed by the guy who was the soundtrack to my middle school dances. When I actually reflected upon my reasoning though, I found myself with too many reasons to just to toss into the ambivalence of twitter. So without further ado, I present to the World the 5 biggest reasons why I am a Belieber. 

so say hello to falsetto in 3...2...

1. Talent

This kid has it. I don't care what anyone says about the sparse amounts of auto-tune that are occaisionally peppered over his voice, or that he sounded like he was castrated before he hit puberty - that shit's irrelevant to me. He plays multiple instruments, writes his own songs, has a voice sweeter than an angel singing in the key of 'honey' and has even started producing his own tracks. Name me any other current pop-superstar that can do all this and then tell me Justin Bieber isn't in their league.

If you don't believe me, I will let the talent speak for itself (with a more than ringing endorsement from Carlos Santana):

he goes a little cornball at the beginning, but keeps it classy by throwing in a nice "Que sera sera" reference in there, which brings me to my next point:

2. Self awareness

Justin Bieber has never tried to be anything he isn't. What's that you say? He tried to be a rapper? Yes, he did and I can honestly say that he has single-handedly come out with more good raps by the age of 18 than Vanilla Ice, Soulja Boy and RiFF RaFF combined, let alone anything that anyone who is reading this has ever come up with. Sure, his "Buzz Lightyear" line in Boyfriend may not have been the best way to introduce himself to the rap game, but I would like to take this opportunity to mention the fact that Lil' Wayne has compared himself to a toilet so many times that I'm beginning to think being 'the shit' isn't all it's cracked up to be. Plus, it's hard to pretend you're not jealous that he's fuckin' Selena Gomez when he first laid down the lines; "I get it done abundantly // she wanna get up under me".

Also, he's been quoted as saying that he's going after "the beats that are in the clubs" and that was before he was even legally allowed into one. If that isn't relevance coming out the wazoo, then I dare you not to put this song on next time you're getting drunk:

He's even been working on a track for his latest album with Diplo aka the guy you didn't even know makes all your favourite songs aka that guy in the blackberry commercial aka the guy who single-handedly made Usher relevant again
which leads me to my next point...

3. Cultural Relevance

@justinbieber has 19 million twitter followers. 19 million. Only Lady Gaga has more than that (but that's a topic for another day). In the twitter world, Justin's word is gospel. He wants something to be the most popular topic in the world? One tap of his phone and it's done. You can literally see how soon his next single is coming out just by checking in the Worldwide trending topics. Hell, even when his phone got hacked, #biebermyballs (as well as 'Twitter HELP JUSTIN') were both trending within minutes. Lady Gaga's 'little monsters' and Selena Gomez's 'Selenators' have been known to do this, but to nowhere NEAR the crazed extent of Beliebers. This kid has a monopoly on the horny female pre-teen demographic, and anybody who doesn't realize the advantages that comes with that is either ridiculously jealous or just doesn't understand one of the most basic principles of economics: Sex sells.

which brings me to my next point...

Justin Bieber is like real
boobs: would you really
rather the alternative?
4. He's Gorgeous

I would identify myself as a straight male, but if you can't admit that this kid is one of the best looking male pop stars to grace the lame-stream since that kid from nsync, you're either a horrible judge of looks, or grossly trying to overcompensate your heterosexuality. I would much rather see this guy plastered over Wal-Mart than the eyesores that are the Jonas brothers or any of the Backstreet-Grandpas. It's not a huge stretch of the imagination to think that a lot of his haters are either subconsciously jealous, or freaked out by the fact that they #totally wanna bang him. Take a minute to reflect...could these possibly be #the feelings that you're feeling?

It's easy to sell sex to guys and thus is sold very frequently to men in the form of everything ever, always. This is not so true for the ladies. Ever since the Twilight saga ended (thank God) and the JoBros got chastity rings (seriously, wtf is even the point of being a rockstar?) the supply for female sexy-time fantasies has been seriously lacking, while demand has remained as consistent as ever. With Ryan Gosling and Justin Timberlake firmly entrenched in film, and a large portion of music becoming misogynistic as fuck, the ladies of today are just lookin for a nice guy that wants to sit by the fire eating fondue with them....oh wait...

and finally...

5. He's only eight-fucking-teen.

How old are you? How much have you accomplished in your life? How much of that had you accomplished by your eighteenth birthday? If you answered any of these questions with a moment of silence followed by a single tear, you are not alone. Personally, I spent the bulk of the 18th year of my life sitting in a residence hall, getting high, pretending I was gonna be the lead singer of a famous rock band one day (which has since been replaced by the much more realistic goal of becoming a world famous DJ)

What did you want when you were 16? To have every 16 year old member of the opposite sex in the world swooning over you? Thought so. This guy has had multiple chart-topping albums, has written a memoir AND starred in his own biopic even before he was allowed to (be) bang(ed by..?) all the beliebing cougars on the loose. I don't know about the rest of you, but all that stuff (in addition to meeting Justin Bieber) pretty much is my bucket list. Who knows, maybe it really is time for me to quit smoking weed...

In Conclusion:

Justin Bieber: The whole world's punching bag
and he's still cooler than you
I don't really expect you to run out go buy his album, or even react beyond neutrally to his music. What I'm really trying to get at is that much like Rhianna or Kanye West, this kid isn't going anywhere, and hating on him is only going to be a bigger waste of your time and energy than putting off your homework to write an article defending a multi-millionaire celebrity. If you're hating him just to fit in? Go right ahead, but just know that in 5 years you'll be flip-flopping on that position harder than Mitt Romney pretending he didn't invent American health care (or Snooki pretending she ever wanted to have a kid if you preferred that metaphor).

Selena Gomez? Unfortunately probably headed the route of Britney. At best she's gonna 'Hillary Duff' it. The Jonas Brothers? Already Jesse-McCartney-ed the shark (seriously, does anyone even remember that guy?). JB is the new JT so get with the program, stop pretending you're not jealous and start realizing he's quickly turning into one of the coolest white guys on the planet.

Don't believe me? Check out this remix with his vocals laid over something a little more legit and believe me that this shit went OFF when we dropped it at the club on Friday night...

Still not convinced? Fine. Here are some clips of the Biebs getting physically abused. Happy? You suck.

I'm actually somewhat impressed with the aim on this one ^